How to Become a Marriage
Building Parish*
By Patricia Crane Ennis, L.M.S.W.
A
Story
Marge stopped me one morning after mass and asked me for a program brochure for a friend experiencing marital problems. Less than a month later I saw Marge again so I inquired about her friend. “It’s all over!” she blurted. “It’s so sad.”
“That was fast,” I observed. “What happened?”
Marge explained. “She and her husband went to see someone at her church and he told them, ‘You can’t put Humpty Dumpy back together again’ so they’re getting a divorce.”
Just like that another marriage was lost. I do not know this couple’s situation and it is true that not all marriages can be saved (we would hardly expect a spouse to live with domestic violence or unrepentant infidelity) but the good news is that with early and careful intervention many marriages can be saved. Humpty Dumpty can be put back together and in fact, if you talk to couples that have overcome serious marital difficulties they often say their marriages are better now than ever before. With God all things are possible.[i]
My experience with Marge started me dreaming about how differently this couple’s story might have ended had they belonged to a marriage-strengthening parish. Imagine a parish that consistently offered married couples the strength of prayer and the support of community. That honored marriage in liturgy and served it in ministry. Families would flourish and children would learn what love really is from their first and best teachers in their own “domestic church.”[ii]
Why
Become a Marriage Strengthening Parish?
Regardless of other commitments and despite
limited resources, I believe our churches are being called to become
marriage-strengthening parishes.
Consider:
· Since weddings take place in church, don’t we have an obligation to help couples sustain what we helped them establish?
· Marriage is a sacrament and holy vocation. Surely marriage deserves high priority.
· We teach that marriage is an “intimate partnership of life and love”[iii] intended to be loving and permanent. Such lofty ideals require guidance. How exactly does one communicate, deal with anger and hurt, or forgive “seventy times seven”?[iv]
· When we support marriages we are also supporting the children born of those marriages because stable marriages tend to help children grow into happier, healthier adults.[v]
· It is not easy being married. With the erosion of the traditional supports of extended family and neighborhoods, couples need the parish more than ever.
· They want to know the church cares and they need support from other couples.
· The Church portrays sex, marriage, and family life very differently from the culture.[vi] Travel for work, overtime, unemployment, and re-location all take their toll on marriage. Often the parish is the first place where couples connect when they move.
· Troubled marriages and resulting divorces cause great pain to families. Who among us has not personally experienced the suffering of loved ones, or ourselves, from marriages that did not last?
· Troubled marriages cause great pain to the Body of Christ. When one part of the body suffers, the whole body suffers.[vii]
· Pope John Paul II insisted. “…the fate of nations and continents, of humanity and the church depends upon marriage and family.”[viii] He is sounding an urgent message.
· Is not Church the place of compassion, healing and reconciliation? And, are we not the hands and feet of Christ?[ix]
· Finally, in Follow the Way of Love our bishops wrote, “Couples who are finding it hard to stay married deserve our prayers and assistance.”[x] The bishops are currently embarked on a five-year National Pastoral Initiative for Marriage, recognizing marriage as a critical issue of our time.[xi]
What
Keeps Parishes from Reaching Out?
Given these compelling reasons, why aren’t all parishes marriage strengthening parishes? First, I believe, because hurting couples are often invisible. Secondly, parishes may not know what to do. Many will be pleased to learn it is not difficult.
Did you know hurting couples actually work at being invisible? In the beginning they are in denial, not ready to acknowledge, even to themselves, that they are having problems. Later they are often too hurt or embarrassed to tell anyone, especially those at church, where the bar for marriage is set so high, and where they perceive that no one else has such problems. If they only knew.
But hurting couples are out there. The divorce rate among active Catholics is approximately 21%.[xii] Plus, many more couples struggle at one time or another. That means that on any given Sunday as we look out at that sea of faces in the pews, we can assume that a substantial number of couples are hurting in silence.
Making
Invisible Couples Visible
Just as the prognosis for physical recovery improves when an illness is discovered early, so too, we can save more marriages by reaching hurting couples early. We do this by breaking through their denial, embarrassment, and fear, and then offering them assistance. Consider the following:
Use Homilies. If Father periodically acknowledges that marriage is difficult and that spouses sometimes struggle, couples are more likely to seek him out -especially if he also promises a sympathetic ear and list of resources.[xiii]
Use Bulletins. By regularly including information about marriage skills and resources in the bulletin, parishes normalize marital struggles, and even help prevent problems. And don’t forget to list helpful web sites such as the United States Conference of Catholic Bishop’s, www.foryourmarriage.org.
Use Marriage Preparation. Slip a flyer into the marriage preparation folders saying, “Make Your Love Last Forever. Don’t let little problems become big problems. If you are struggling, here are places that can help.” Then list resources. If counselors help with classes, include their contact information, too. Many couples save this information and use it later. If you do not offer parish-based preparation, you can still create a packet for engaged couples.
Use Marriage Enrichment. Experience has taught us that a substantial number of those who attend enrichment are actually hurting. This is a wonderful opportunity to catch couples early. If your parish offers enrichment, consider distributing a sheet with programs and counseling for struggling couples. (And please include information on domestic violence.) Presenters can also help by encouraging couples to seek help early, assuring them that “all marriages have ups and downs.”
More
Ways Parishes Can Reach Out
Even as parishes make couples visible, they can also:
Pray. It is our greatest strength. In the Prayer of the Faithful, add intercessions like, “For struggling married couples that they may find the help and support they need.”
Fill the Vestibule Book Rack. Add books and pamphlets[xiv] on marriage to the rack. Suggested books: Can My Marriage Be Saved? by Mae & Erika Chambers; Divorce Busting by Michele Weiner Davis; Fighting For Your Marriage by Stanley, Markman, and Blumberg; His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley; Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson; Reconcilable Differences by James Tally; Surviving an Affair by Harley and Chalmers (plus those listed under enrichment).
Donate to the Library. If the parish has a library, add books and videos on marriage. Even if you can only afford two resources a year, it will add up.
Most parishes can do at least some of the above. For those that would like to do more, here are ideas for full-fledged marriage ministry:
Educate staff. Form a marriage ministry committee that studies the best approaches to helping marriages. Then have them present to staff (paid and unpaid). And/or invite a local counselor(s) to present. Develop parish protocols.
Enhance Marriage Enrichment. If the parish has marriage enrichment, why not add an in-depth program, like Learning to Live in Love?[xv] If there is no enrichment, why not initiate it? Ten Great Dates[xvi] and The Five Love Languages[xvii] are two easy programs. Even socials for married couples –with childcare—offer valuable support.
Use Baptismal Preparation. Consider adding a marriage component to class. Ask a panel of young parents to talk about their struggles dealing with a new baby and share ways they coped.[xviii] Encourage couples to schedule date nights.
Subsidize Counseling. Have part-time counselors on staff or give couples vouchers they can take to a counselor’s office. Be sure to choose credentialed therapists with a Catholic perspective, a bias toward marriage[xix] and a good track record. If the general collection cannot sustain this, why not establish a scholarship fund? The money raised will help couples, and the appeal will remind parishioners their church cares.
Create a Mentor Program. Train couples that have overcome marital difficulties to walk along side hurting parishioners. Marriage 911: First Response workbooks are easy to use and allow the parish to give immediate outreach to hurting couples.[xx]
Partner with Other Parishes. Meet with others in your region or deanery to assess what programs are needed. Do you have Retrouvaille and The Third Option? If these ministries are missing, help bring them to your area.
Form a Community Marriage Policy. Join with churches of other denominations and pledge to work together to create a marriage saving community. Such policies have cut divorce rates by an average of 17.5%[xxi].
Even if only half of the parishes in the United States did half of what we have discussed in these pages the impact on marriage, on the Church, and on society in general, would be profound.
Conclusion
At the end of our daughter’s wedding reception recently the DJ asked everyone to form a circle around the bride and groom. Then he gave this speech. “These are the people who love you and they will support you in good times and in bad so that your marriage will last.” He ended by playing, “You’ll Never Walk Alone.” It struck me, this is great theology.
While the Church can never forget her mission to preach, to work for social justice and care for the poor, neither can we afford to ignore the massive breakdown of marriages within the Body of Christ. In the marriage rite we pray for the couple, that the Lord will “…strengthen your love in the presence of …this community.”[xxii] We are that community.
We are called to support and strengthen the marriages in our care. When Marge and her friends seek us out, let us surround them with the love of God, and our love, so none will ever walk alone.
(See boxes below)
*Originally in March 2009 Ministry and liturgy
Magazine as Give Them Strength: Parish Support for Hurting Couples
How to Help
Hurting Couples
Resources for Hurting Couples
Retrouvaille- Weekend experience for couples to rediscover their love: 1-800-470-2230 or www.retrouvaille.org
The Third Option- On-going support and skill-building group to heal marriages: 315-472-6728 or www.thethirdoption.com
Listing of credentialed, pro-marriage counselors: www.marriagefriendlytherapists.com
Expert Michele Weiner Davis and team telephone coaching (even for only one spouse): 1-800-664-2435 or www.divorcebusting.com.
Famed Willard Harley and team telephone coaching specifically regarding affairs: 1-888-639-1639 or www.marriagebuilders.com.
Workbook for a hurting spouse to use with a support partner: Marriage 911: First Response; www.reconcilinggodsway.com
Beyond Affairs Network support group/information: www.dearpeggy.com
Catholic information and support for marriages: www.foryourmarriage.org
Clearinghouse for marriage resources: www.smartmarriages.com
[i] Matthew 19:26.
[ii]Dogmatic Constitution on the Church, Vatican II, November 21, 1964, L.G.#11.
[iii]Pastoral Constitution on the Church in the Modern World: Vatican II, December 7, 1965, G.S #48. This new emphasis on the relationship of marriage (versus procreation only) remains hugely significant. Staying married --no matter what-- may reflect fidelity, but married couples are ideally called to an authentic, life-giving relationship.
[iv] Matthew 18:22
[v] L.J. Waite and M. Gallagher, The Case for Marriage: Why Married People Are Happier, Healthier, and Better Off Financially: New York, Doubleday, 2000.
[vi] Two excellent sources for a contemporary understanding of the Church’s view of marriage are both by Pope John Paul II: Letters to Families: Boston, MA, Pauline Books, 1994; and his Theology of the Body. The latter is not a single work but a compilation of his general audiences. Search at www.vatican.va.
[vii] 1 Corinthians 13:26
[viii] Comments of Pope John Paul II from his talk, “Building the Body of Christ,” pastoral visit to the United States, 1987.
[ix] St. Teresa of Avila, prayer: Christ Has No Body.
[x] National Conference of Catholic Bishops, Committee on Marriage and Family, Follow the Way of Love: Washington D.C., Catholic Bishops, November 19, 1993: pg. 16. www.usccbpublishing.org
[xi] Search on www.usccb.org
[xii] Journal of Family Issues, July 2006, Vol. 27, issue 7: p. 935.
[xiii] This gives the priest the opportunity to encourage the couple to go for help early. Unless the priest has extensive training in marital therapy, however, it is best for him to limit his involvement to pastoral compassion and referral, rather than to try to counsel the couple himself.
[xiv] Example: Christopher News Notes # 477 and #424 www.christophers.org
[xv] Pastoral and Matrimonial Renewal Center at: www.pmrcusa.org. This program helps couples apply Theology of the Body to
daily life.
[xvi] Claudia and David Arp, Ten Great Dates: Grand Rapids, MI, Zondervan, 1997 or www.MarriageAlive.com
[xvii] Gary Chapman, The Five Love Languages: Chicago, Northfield Publishing, 1995. Or www.lovelanguages.com
[xviii] To download the brochure Keeping Love Alive In Your Marriage When Your Baby is Born go to www.familylifeeducation.catholicweb.com and click on baptism.
[xix] Not everyone who calls him or herself a counselor can counsel married couples and not all counselors consider saving the marriage a priority. For a listing of credentialed, pro-marriage counselors: www.marriagefriendlytherapists.com
[xx] Available at: www.nationalmarriage.com
[xxii] Second Vatican Council, The Rites of the Catholic Church: New York, Pueblo Publishing Company, 1976: page 544, No 33 Nuptial Blessing.
© 2008 by Patricia Crane Ennis.